Redemption

I have recently experienced what it is like to be set free, once again, from the chains that the enemy wants so badly to keep us under. These were things that I never thought I would struggle with, but for about 4 months, I did. I had a 4 month battle with depression, cutting, and Bulimia. I gave in to the lies that I had been hearing my entire life. You know the ones, or maybe the ones you hear are different. The ones I have heard, and bought into said..."You are fat." "You are ugly" "You are worthless" "You need to punish yourself for what a failure you are." "You do not deserve love from any person or from God" "You deserve this." "You've gotten yourself to this point." "You dont deserve to live." Well for my whole life I have heard lies, and finally and subcontiously began to believe them. The beliefs started with small thoughts, to obsessive thoughts. From small words, to where everything that came out of my mouth was negative. The depression cam first. It started small, but progressed to the point where I was always down and living in darkness. The cutting followed. I had so much emotional pain from my past and what had been going on that I needed an outlet to escape it. So I turned to a razor blade. I used that to feel physical pain, so that I could escape the emotional turmoil. It hurt and I have scars on my arms and legs from what I did, but I thought I deserved it. That somehow I had brought it upon myself. It was the only way I knew how to handle things, and when things got tough, or I needed to escape...the razor was always there for me. Then came the eating disorder. It started with eating less, watching what I was consuming and constantly thinking about my weight. It progressed to not eating at all, starving myself. I once lost 10 pounds in a week without even trying..that was how little I was eating. I could go days without eating. My schedule was so packed that I wasnt home a lot for dinner so I could get away with it. Then when I was at home and had to eat, I resorted to throwing up. Binging and purging. That, like everything else, started small. Then, it got to the point where everything i ate cam back up. Wheather I was at home, work, church...wherever, nothing I consumed stayed down. I felt guilty eating and it always came back up. I was a full blown bulimia, captive to my disease and couldnt see a way out. It only got worse. For the last month, I think I kept about 2 meals down. I was sick, and tired and spiritually dying. Well, I was talking to my friend Amy from my spanish church, and told her everything....I dont know why, seeing as how shameful it was. BUt I did. She told my spanish pastor, Ivette, (who was also like a mentor, and an old teacher). And Ivette said she was getting me help at New Life Church. I freaked out. Well, I had to withdraw myself from _Tag adyult leadership so that I could get my life together. I was being forced into facing these issues and confronting them, but also the deeer issuse that were causing them. These depper issues were issues of pain, rejection and abandonment, and forgiveness, and insecurities. It was hell, for a month I was a complete emotional wreck, and God was breaking me completely. The people I wanted to be there couldnt be there, I had to learn to depend 100% on God and to lean on Him. He tied the hands of my allies and they couldnt fight for or with me. I couldnt talk to them or go to them for help, it had to be totally God. It got worse before it got better. I had to tell my mom, and she seemed to be overwhelmed and wanted it to just go away...but for me it was a process to freedom. I began to eat again, even small amounts were hard to keep down. I felt sick eating food, then I always felt sick because of the vomiting and my digestive system was all jacked up. I hated it. The suicidal part of my past came up, there were times where I wanted to run in front of a car or swallow a whole bottle of pills...but i ran to God. I wasnt going to give up. I had seen God work before in my life and I knew that freedom could come again. Everyday i had to fall at His feet. Everytime I failed or gave in, I had to let Him pick me back up. It was a journey of learning to trust Him and letting Him fight for me and help me to overcome. About 2 weeks ago at a _Tag prayer meeting, God spoke to me. They were playing the song "Your Love Is Extravagent." He was speaking His love over me, and speaking freedom. He told me I was beautiful, and was worth His Son's blood. That I didnt have to be captive to these issues any longer. He took me to the verse that sys "Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." And then He gave it to me. He gave me freedom. He said no more, and those things that had held me captive just...died. And I came back to life. He breathed His life into me again. He is incredible! I am free from the depression, the cutting addiction, and the bulimia. Yes, sometimes I still struggle with it, it tries to come back up...but I just have to fight it, and let God fight for me and I know I can overcome. I encourage you, don't limit God the way I did or put Him in a box. There is NOTHING that is too big for Him to handle, or to deeply rooted for Him to fix or remove. I've worked through all these issues with Him and he gave me a new heart, thats healed and whole. If there is something you need freedom from, His love is there, His hope is there, His arms are open...He's just waiting for you to run to Him. Its your call...but let me tell you; freedom is so much more enjoyable than being in chains. And He did it all. Please, let Him do it for you too.