Rambling Session.

I feel like rambling. My topic of choice: Food. You know those things that you love, but you hate, but then you really love it? Yup. That basically sums up my relationship with food. It is an up and down, on and off, love and hate relationship.

Now for those of you that don't know, which is basically all of you unless you've read my lame blog before. Here's what you should know: I used to be bulimic. Which most of you know, is like a crazy roller coaster ride of hating and loving food at the same time. You want to eat cause it tastes good and makes you feel good and leaves you satisfied. But, when you eat, overwhelming feeling of guilt come over you, and you begin to hate food cause its the things that makes you...What's the word, oh yeah, FAT! Yay for fat!! Not really. Now, no one wants to be fat! No one wakes up one day and says, "I think I'm gonna wake up tomorrow and eat everything in the fridge, and maybe top it off with a milkshake from McDonalds!" No! No one wants to be fat! But with a series of choices, it just happens. No one has that thought. But then there is the other side of extreme and crazy which is a person that says, "I'm not going to eat. I don't want to be fat. I don't want to feel like Shamoo's whale mother anymore!" Well...even if that person isn't fat, their mental image is distorted, and when they look in the mirror, indeed what they see is a fat whale. Its just ridiculous!

A lot of people don't understand eating disorders, it really isn't something you could understand until you experience it. I have. Its hell. But allow me to introduce you to the world of a Bulimic, and maybe you will gain a little understanding and stop judging them. When I was caught in this disorder, I remember my family was watching "Deal or No Deal." We've all seen it right? The game show with the bald guy and about 40 anorexic girls. It was a Thanksgiving special and the girls were having an eating contest. My mom made a remark and said, "You know they'll all probably go backstage and throw it up during commercial." Little did she know that her own daughter, in her own house, was doing just that after every mean. And let me tell you, it wasn't just after every meal, it was every single time I ate! I wasn't like some girls, I never did that bingeing crap; I wasn't eating the entire store for Pete's sake! No, to me, food was repulsive. Just the thought of eating food was repulsive and made my stomach churn. I started out by starving myself. A day, 2, 3, a week, 2 weeks, 3 weeks, time goes by and I still haven't eaten anything. Well, I was making up excuses as to why I wasn't eating. "I ate while I was at work." "I ate at my friend's house." "I ate at church." "I'm not hungry." or, "I'm fasting." LIES! All lies! Just like the lies of the enemy I had believed. Now these lies told me, "You're fat!" "You're ugly!" "You're worthless!" Then, "Don;t you dare eat that! Do you know what it will do to you? Its gonna make you fat!" Now, you can ignore these things for quite some time. But there comes a point where they consume your mind and emotions, and all of it comes out in actions. Ladies and gentleman, I am referring to Bulimia! When I couldn't hide the fact that I wasn't eating any longer, I decided to resort to puking. I mean, yeah its not what I really wanted to do, but I couldn't not eat, and I couldn't keep food in my body cause we all know how terrible it is to have nutrition and nourishment! Awful! I don't know why anyone would want that stuff! Well, as I was saying, I never did the whole binge and purge crap. No, what I did was probably much worse...Because not only was I puking, I was doing it every single time I ate. I could eat a salad and think to myself, "Dam it! I can't let that sit! It's gonna make me fat!" So, up would come the salad. It really didn't matter what it was, it all came up, even the smallest things. And it didn't matter where I was; home, work, public places, and even church; I puked it all up. I made sure there was nothing left in, I did it until all that was left was dry heaves. You may be asking, "What the heck was wrong with this chick?!" Yeah, I often wondered that myself! What? You knew you had a problem? You better believe I did! I knew what I was doing was just plain foolish, and I wanted out. But, once you get stuck in that lifestyle, there is really no easy escape route. And, in severe cases like mine...the body will get to the point where you literally have no control and can't keep any food down. When I was recovering, I would eat small meals, but, involuntarily, not by choice, I would get real sick feeling and up that food would come, with no help from me. When people found out, they would get frustrated when I was still doing the same old thing. What they didn't understand was that eating disorders are just that, they are a disorder...something is wrong, out of order and where it should be. Its a mental thing. You're mind is so convinced of your fatness that you can't see past it. Some people think its an easy thing to get out of and if you would just decide to stop then it would happen. Well, let me tune you in for a Newsflash with Kasey: It simply does not work that way! Its a life of captivity and bondage and you do not know freedom. It takes time to recover and heal; physically, emotionally and mentally.

Well, now that I told you about my little 6 month bout with bulimia, let me share the hope that came to me. His Name is Jesus Christ. It it wasn't for Him, I would be dead by now. Surely, I would have landed myself in a hospital. But, Jesus set me free from the disorder and gave me my life back!! :) PRAISE TO HIS NAME!

Next time you come across a girl fighting with an eating disorder; please, don't judge or criticize her-- that will probably only make it worse. Instead, extend a hand of compassion, grace, love; and just listen to their story and feelings if they are willing to talk, never force them to talk though. But a lot of these girls, like I did, just want somebody to listen- to know someone is there and they care about what you are going through.

Now, since then, my relationship with food has still not been normal, to say the least. Its been everything but normal. I go through stages. Stage One: I can sit down and eat and eat the whole kitchen. Stage Two: I don't eat. I forget to eat and really avoid food at all cost. Stage Three: I eat, but I obsessively control my portions. At the current moment, I am in the middle. I like food, I do. But at the same time I really hate it. I fight with the temptation to not eat, or to throw up, pretty much daily. Its a struggle. But I am determined that I am not going to fall back into that lifestyle of captivity. Heck no! I don't want that. I have been trying to control my sugar addiction, and not eating so much, been cutting back on portions and how many times I eat.

For some people, food is a normal part of life and its no big deal. For me, a recovered bulimic, food is a huge deal. I fight with it. I am currently winning. But, I would appreciate your prayers cause the fight has been especially strong lately. Thanks for reading my hyperactive ramblings.

God bless.

Trust.

Trust. You hear the word almost everyday, if not everyday. But what does it really mean? And how many of us really know how to actually do it? When you hear somebody say "You can trust me." or, "Trust me", or, "Do you trust me?" Do you actually know what it means? Do you know what it means to trust in somebody?

God calls us into a lifestyle of trust. In Him. And in the people that He has surrounded us with.

The dictionary defines Trust as this:

1. Reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.

2. Confident expectation of something; hope.

3. A person on whom or thing on which one relies.

The one that catches my eye is the first one. "Reliance on the integrity, strength, ability...of a person or thing; confidence."

Another definition of Trust that I like, and to make is in all simpleness, is FAITH.

Hebrews 11:1, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

Faith is being certain, confident, and believing in what we cannot see. We can't see God, yet we believe in Him and put our hope in Him. Yes we can see Him working and moving, and we can feel Him in our lives, but we cannot see Him with our physical eyes. Yet, faith, which is required in our Christian walk, is to be certain of what we cannot see. Faith is parallel to Trust. When we have faith, we believe what God has told us, in what He has promised us, and in what He is doing. We trust in His strength, ability, and love. We have hope that He is who He says He is. When God says, "Trust me." We should just at the opportunity to hope in the God who holds everything in His hands.

God is calling, He is asking each one of us a question. He is saying:

"Do you trust me?"

And we cannot answer this question without much thought. And I believe, that if most of us were to examine our hearts, the answer would be a clear "No." See, most of us profess that we trust in God, but in actuality we don't. Our words don't match up with reality. For most of us, it is hard to trust God. What should come easy, doesn't. Because in our humanity, we like to be able to see things and then believe. When our physical eyes cannot see God, part of us decides that maybe we can't trust in Him. We ask questions like, "Where is He?" "What if He doesn't come through for me?" Our questions are filled with doubt.

This is where faith comes in. Faith is the complete opposite of doubt. When we doubt, faith and hope cannot live in us. The enemy wants us to doubt God, cause when we doubt God we tie His hands and keep Him at a distance. When we have faith in God, He has an open canvas to paint, to do His work on, and to create a masterpiece. Only when we trust in God can He work in our lives. To have faith is to Trust. To Trust is to have confidence. To have confidence is to have hope. The have hope is to have Christ.

Even though we cannot see God, it is key that we trust in Him. Even when we don't understand completely what it means to trust, if You ask Him, He will lead you and show you what it means. Even when things don't make sense. Even when you don't understand. Even when your world is crashing in around you. Even when things are great and everything is going fine. Even when God asks you to do something crazy. Whatever the circumstance, Trust in the King, that is the key to living.

Without God, we are and we have nothing. With Him, anything is possible.

I challenge you to examine your heart. Let God ask you His question, "Do you trust me?" And don't answer right away. Really think about it. If your answer is "Yes", great, continue to trust in Him. But if it is a "No.", then let the Holy Spirit speak to you, guide you, and teach you what it means and what it looks like to trust in God. Let Him break down the walls that are keeping you from trusting God. He will do His work, but first yo have to let Him.

What are you waiting for? Life is waiting for you, all you have to do is trust.

2009 In Review :)

At the beginning of 2009, I was broken. I was just coming out of the darkest time of my life and had just been set free from the darkness that had swallowed me. I was dating a guy who I loved, but I lost him. I allowed him to become way too important to me and God had to cut our bond. I let him slip into the #1 place in my heart...and that place belongs to Jesus and Jesus alone. I didnt understand it then, until God told me "i am a jealous God and a consuming fire, and if anything gets in the way of your affection for me, I will burn it up." And thats what happened. It took me almost the whole year to be able to move on, but finally, I can say that I have forgiven the boy and moved past it. He is in the past and Jesus is my now. :)

In april, I lost my job, That was really hard, I had to fully rely on God and learn to trust in Him to provide, I had to put all my hope in Him. And He was and has been faithful to provide. He has never left or abandoned me, His hand has been on me and guiding me the whole time.

After that happened, I began to fall so deeply in love with God and was completely overwhelmed with love for Him and His love for me. I asked Him to consume my life and He did exactly that. In may, satan began to tempt me with the things from my past...the cutting, bulimia and depression. I fought with it, and refused to give in and give him a stronghold again in my life. I said "NO", and gave those thoughts and emotions to Jesus and He took them away. I havent struggled with those things ever since. I was so insecure, but not anymore. God spoke identity into my life. He told me who I am.

In June, I had an opportunity to share my testimony with a group of about 70 troubled youth in a juvenile detention/rehabilitation center. I saw God give me strength and take away my fear of speaking to them. I felt Him speak through me. And it was on father's day. Most of these kids, like me, do not have dads. I was able to tell them about my Eternal Daddy, the One who rescued me and holds me in his arms. I had the chance to pray with some girls that were very broken, and see them cry and see God maybe for the first time in their lives.

In June and July, was Desperation. In both conferences, God touched my heart and life in a powerful way. He restored my dreams. Mended my broken heart. Spoke purpose into my life. Matt Pitt said "God wants to interrupt history and He needs people to do this. There wil always be evil people wanting to interrupt history and if you dont do it, they will" Those rocked me to the core, and a fire and determination rose up in me to change the world I live in and fulfill God's purpose in my own generation (Acts 3:36)...In the july conference I saw a miracle as 4,000 students gave $45,000 dollars to build 3 orphan homes in Uganda. AMAZING. The celebration that rose up from that place was amazing. I wept as i thought about the precious children that would be saved from a life of poverty, without a family or someone to take care of them, starvation, disease, and being forced into sex slavery. Lives rescued.

In September, God gave my spanish church our own building to call home. :) it was truly a miracle how He provided for us. And our church is beautiful. I love it. Its not just a building though. Its a family, my family.

In October, I went on the _tag retreat INVITED as a leader. It was based on this idea: The eternal invitation is Jesus. Only Jesus. We cannot hold onto other things. It was never meant to be Jesus, And....it was only meant to be Jesus. Only Jesus. He has invited us to an eternity in relationship and love with Jim, and it starts now. God wants you. He will never turn anyone away that comes to Him. You have been invited, all you have to do is show up to the invitation. Show up, everyday. Then, Jeremiah talked about The Deception of Rejection, and how when we live by what God says about us, nothing can touch us and the opinions of people will not matter. I went up there to minister to kids and help them see God, which I got to do a lot of, but in the end, my life was touched by God and I was transformed. God took away my fear of rejection and of people and made it so what He says is all that matters to me. He showed me that the rags i was wearing are no longer what I am wearing, I am wearing a pure white gown, that looks like a wedding dress...signifying that God has united me to His heart and cleaned off all my stains. God called me to dance with Him, to let Him lead me where He wants me to go, to steps I dont know, but he knows. :)

In November, the youth pastor from my church in Mexico came to speak at _Tag, and as he was speaking my heart completely broke all over again for Mexico. My little sister, Nebai, who is from Mexico, her and I were weeping uncontrollably, breaking for Mexico, crying out to God for Him to save the people and the nation that is so lost, that we love so much.

This December, God told me that I am so stuck in the future that I couldnt enjoy or live in the now. That he could not and would not give me the future until I learned to be thankful for and live content and happy now. To keep dreaming, but not forget about today. He is sending me to Alabama for a season, which will start in september, I was supposed to go in February, but he has work to do in me still. When I decided to be content and thankful for where I am, He finally gave me a job. At Taco Bell...the last place I wanted to work, but it humbled me and now I have a job and someway to make money. I'm grateful for it. This New Years Eve, I was standing in worship, singing and pouring my heart out to God. I was thinking about how a year ago I was trying to kill myself and right now today, I have never been so free before in my life. I AM FREE!!!!! I wept. I wept and I wept uncontrolably, literally unable to stop my crying. I was overwhelmed with gratitude, and love for God. And He was pouring His love out on me. I was so caught up with His Spirit. It was incredible. Then, I got to celebrate and ring in this new year with my family, the people that I love the most in this world. :)

My New Year Decisions:

1. To become intimate friends with Worship, Prayer, Fasting and Scripture.
2. To spend time everyday on my knees, facedown, in surrender and love to God.
3. To be a better friend, daughter and sister.
4. To share the gospel of Jesus Christ with as many people as I possibly can.
5. I will obey God, no matter how uncomfortable it is or what it costs me.
6. I wont let my life be dictated by what others say, but what God says.
7. I will deny my flesh, and live by the Spirit.
8. To be a servant to all.

9. To live my life with the standard of Holiness.

I have been mauled over and over and over again by the Holy Spirit this year. When I look back at who I was and where I was a year ago, and where I am today, it is a difference between night and day. It is so far from where my life was and the pit I was in. God has transformed my life. He took me from depression, being negative, dying...to giving mye a neverending Joy, and allowing me to really live. And now, I AM FREE. The new year deserves a new me, and God is going to continue to transform my live. I challenge you to allow Him to do His work in you, to take you where you could never even dream. Who is going to run your life this year? You, or God? I hope your answer is that God will be your King this year and for the rest of your life. Eliminate the tings that are bad and holding you back, and dive into the things of God and His life.

Kasey <3

Born To Shine

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness, that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, and fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small doesn't serve the world. There's nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We are born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us, it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others."
-Nelson Mandela

My sweet Sister In-Law is having a giveaway on her blog! I would love to win. :) its awesome! Anyway, go sheck it out at her blog site, twoellie.blogspot.com
Have a great day!!! :)

Kasey

How He Loves. :)

He is jealous for me,
Loves like a hurricane, I am a tree,
Bending beneath the weight of his wind and mercy.
When all of a sudden,
I am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by glory,
And I realise just how beautiful You are,
and how great Your affections are for me.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us so

Yeah, He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves.

We are His portion and He is our prize,
Drawn to redemption by the grace in His eyes,
and If grace is an ocean, we’re all sinking.
So Heaven meets earth like a sloppy wet kiss,
And my heart turns violently inside of my chest,
I don’t the have time to maintain these regrets,
When I think about, the way... that..

He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,
Oh how He loves us,Oh how He loves.

And oh, how He loves us so,
Oh how He loves us,
How He loves us so.

Undeserved Mercy :)

Last night as I was rushing around town trying to find a place that had a western union that was open, I found myself panicking as I saw red and blue lights flashing in my rearview mirrow. My heart was pounding. I was breathing short. I was shaking. And getting red spots all over my face, neck and chest. I was completely terrified. I pulled over and rolled down the window. "Can you tell me why I pulled you over tonight?" I honestly couldnt think of what I had done wrong, so I sheepishly said, "Was I speeding?" The officer said, "No, your lights aren't on." I thought to myself "O CRAP!!!!" I was in such a hurry that I forgot about my lights. "Have you been drinking tonight?" ..."No sir, I have not been drinking." I proceeded to tell him how I was running around trying to send some money for an orphanage I sponsor in Africa. My voice was shaky and weak. He asked for my license, insurance and registration. I gave it to him. He said "Okay young lady, I'm not going to write you a ticket tonight. I just have to put your information in the system and I will give you a warning." I lost it. I started crying hysterically. I said audibly and loudly "THANK YOU JESUS!!!" I was praying and asking God for help, and I got it. :) It reminded me of how God has given us a second chance at life. And many second chances, everytime we fail...He gives us a new chance. I was given mercy that I clearly did not deserve, the cop had every right to write me a ticket, but he chose to simply write me a warning and give me a second chance. Thats how God works in us. Through Jesus, we get a second chance. Its like when we don't have Jesus, we are driving in the dark without the lights on...its dangerous and you cant see where you are going. But when Jesus enters, He turns on the lights and makes it clear the path you are to go, and gives you...a second chance. Mercy is not something we deserve, but through the blood of Christ we all have access to it. Hallelujah. Just like this officer of the law gave me a second chance, God will always be there with open arms offering to pick us up and give us another chance. :)

Feed the Children

Dear Friends,

I write this with a broken heart. I talked to my friend, Nelson, who runs an organization called Save The AIDS Orphans in Uganda, Africa. He runs a orphan home called Agape Childrens Home. There are 67 precious children staying there. They have completely run out of food and funds for food. No firewood. They have nothing. These children have stolen my heart and I want to take care of them. But, with my unemployed status, I cannot send the money. I will send a very small amount which will get them food for 2 days, but it is not enough. James 1:27 commands us to take care of the widow and the orphan. WE here in america have the resources and its as simple as sending money. Could you find it in your heart to give, if only just a little bit? Anything can help. They need food for the precious children. If you can and are willing, I will give you the info on how you can help by sending money via Western Union. Please pray for my friend and the orphans. Please help. They need it...soon.

Love and Partering in Christ to fulfill James 1:27,
Kasey.

Thursday 13 ~ 1st Edition.

I'm back in to the blogging world. :) Here's my first thirteen.

13 Things About Me (since Im new..so you can get to know me)

1. I'm a total dork. Yes, thats right. I love to be loud and do wierd things and I dont care what people think or say. I just love to have fun. :)

2. I am Bilingual. :) I speak spanish and english. Spanish is the love of my life. I learned it in high school, it is God's gift to me, and my talent. I go to a spanish church where I am one of about 5 white people there. I LOVE it. :) they're my family in the truest sense of the word.

3. I'm a writer. :) i love to write. and im good at it. My high school english teacher told me I am one of the best writer's he has had in his 18 years at the school. I write too much, i think. :) i carry my journal with me everywhere I go.

4. I am a texting fiend. Yes. :) i love being connected with the world and all my friends. an average month is usually about 6,000 texts.

5. I am madly in love with my Bridegroom. :) He is the most incredible thing that has ever happened to me. He tells me I'm beautiful. He tells me He loves me. He brings me flowers. He shows me the most beautiful things there are. He whispers sweet little somethings into my ears. He holds my hand, and wraps me in His arms. :) He is the most beautiful thing to see and hear. And, His precious Name is Jesus Christ. :)

6. I am addicted to chocolate. Yep. :) its delicious. My motto is theres nothing that God and a little chocolate cant fix. Teehee.

7. I am pretty much always listening to music. I LOVE music. :) it just makes me feel good. I recently deleted all the secular music from my zune and now all I listen to are worship songs. :) im finding that im really not missing out on anything. I just want to be comsumed by Jesus.

8. I'm a colorado girl to the core. :) I love all things outdoors. I love to hike the most difficult and crazy trail we have on our beautiful mountains. I love camping even though I dont go much. I love off-roading! Its the greatest!! Except, sad fact....I have lived here almost my whole life and have never been skiing or snowboarding. haha. :(

9. I love to read. I am pretty much always in the middle of a book, probably more than one at the same time. I just love learning, and gaining knowledge from what people write. :)

10. I have always been kind of a tomboy. :) ive never really been the super girly type...ever. Ive always been a jeans and t-shirt kind of girl. Never wear skirts or dresses, well...rarely. I like to get dirty, I'm not all into my looks like a lot of girls are. I have always made better friends with the boys than I have with other girls.

11. I love the HEAT!! :) I really hate being cold. Its miserable. I would rather be miserably hot that miserably cold. Like my sister and I went to florida a month ago and the day we went to Disney was the hottest day we were there. Yes, it was hot. It was miserably. I sweated buckets....but I enjoyed every minute of it. :) i love hot.

12. God has set me free from a whole load of junk. :) you name it, ive been there. Self-Injury, Bulimia, Self Starvation, Depression, Drug Addiction, Suicidal-ness. Yep...ive been in all of it. And Jesus set me free from ALL of it. :) im the most free ive ever been!!!

13. My heart is completely and 100% broken and for orphans. :) i feel like there is a huge and special mandate on my life to take care of orphans. I want to see them fulfill their God given destinies. Thee are 143 Million orphans in our world. God has called me to take care of them and be His hands and feet that rescue them. My life mission is James 1:27.

Selflessness

This weekend, I witnessed a miracle. Here's the story...a little over a month ago the high school group at my church started a mission called Heartwork: Uganda. The challenge was to raise 60,000 dollars and anything up to that amount would be matched by an incredible man named Kirby. He told us the we were the army God had told him about 25 years ago. 8 weeks later..._Tag had raised $67,o000 dollars and 4 orphan homes have been built and many many lives rescued. It was so amazing to see the students I love giving sacrificially, and a group of high school and junior high kids raised that much money on their own. Incredible. Well, this weekend at the Desperation Conference, Pastor Brent showed a video of the story and talked about it at the end of his sermon. He challenged the students to ask God what He wanted them to give and get ready to give that night to build another orphan home. The goal was $15,000 dollars, and Kirby was going to match the other 15 since it costs $30,000 to build a home. (he did this at the June conference where in a spontaneous offering, no planning, we raised 16 thousand and one home would be built.) Well it came time for the offering and we sang a song called Light Up The World, masses of people poured to the front of the auditorium to give their offering to God. This was true worship. At the end of the night, David Perkins came up and announced the result of the offering. In the course of about 15 minutes, 4,000 high school, college and junior high kids gave $44,000 dollars. Yes, I said FOURTY FOUR THOUSAND DOLLARS!!! The next day another person gave $1,000, so plus the $15,000 from Kirby...we are going to be able to fund not just one, but 2 orphan homes in uganda!!! It was truely a miracle. In one night, to raise that amount of support...it was a God thing. It was incredible to see so many students give of themselves to pour into the lives of children on the other side of the world. It was the most selfless thing I have ever witnessed. Even in my own life, I had just gotten paid to water plants of a friend who was is out of town, and God challenged me to give it all. It was a work God did in my heart, and I now have to trust Him even more to provide all that I need until I find a job. You should have seen the celebration that rose up in that place!! Everyone started freaking out, and dancing, and jumping around, and screaming at the top of their lungs, many of us were just weeping out of joy. It was power in its fullest. Kids would be rescued from the injustice of being an orphan. From starvation, unclean water, homelessness, and being forced into sex slavery. The will be rescued!! And last night (saturday), Kirby came up and said that while he was in Uganda 25 years ago holding a 3 year old girl tht had been raped, God spoke to him and said "I am raising up intercessors. In the future, you will see armies of intercessors and justice seekers rise up." Then, he said that while he was in Uganda last week, God gave him 2 questions to ask the Desperation tribe. 1. If he could get it approved and cleared with the authorities, would we get 1,000 youth groups to build at least one orphan home? and 2. Will you get the attention of the nation and the world with your selflessness and turn their eyes to God? IF we answered them right, which definitely happened...God said to Him right there, "Through these people I am going to rescue 143 Million Destinies." There are 143 Million Orphans in the world...and God is getting ready for a movement to rescue them!! IT was one of the most incredible things I have ever witnessed. God is incredible. Lets stand up and be the hands and feet of Jesus, let the church be the church. Let's rock!!

Scared.

This weekend at the Desperation Conference I heard a man named Tom Davis speak, I got his new novel, "Scared", because I have read his other books and loved them. This was on saturday. I just finished reading the book and I am crying uncontrolably...not just crying, like the kind where its hard to breathe and it just doesn't stop. My heart literally feels pain, like it was being ripped in several places. And now I cant sleep. In this story, there is an american photo journalist who goes to Africa on an assignment to capture photos and a story to redeem his career. There is also a young girl named Adanna, she is orphaned anonly 12 years old left to parent her 2 younger siblings. She suffers horrendous abuse and situations that are so foreign to americans. This little girl is my new hero. I think the reason it is so deeply disturbing to the reader is that the story is very close to the facts of a young girls life, and there are so many children that have similar stories. Of starving and going days, weeks without food. Of abuse and being raped. Of being orphaned by their parents who either left and or died of AIDS. Being infected themselves. Or being completel vulnerable and unable to protect themselves. I found myself weeping as I read her story. Injustice. That is the word I would use to describe her life and what she endured. But along with the injustice...you also see the redemptive power of God. His love and grace for us. And His hope that He gives to us. This story has moved me so incredibly deeply and touched corners and places in my heart that I didnt even know existed. I found myself in Africa everytime I picked up the book, it was so real. I saw the kids, the scenery, the horror and the hope. I found myself on a roller coaster of emotions. Sadness, laughter, anger, fire, depression, hopeless, helpless, deeply grieved...but more than anything I am stired to step out of that comfortable american buble that so many of us live in. Im so sick of it. When is the church going to rise up and be the church?? To be the hands and feet of Jesus in our world. We need to stop ignoring this reality and go do something. I told my friend Edith....we are going to Uganda next summer to work in an orphan home and help the natives. We are going to try and make it a trip for our whole youth group to go on. I am going to get my sunday school kids to raise money to give to the author's organization to help feed the starving people. It is .14 cents for one meal...we could help feed a lo of people if we try. We have to do something. We are crying out for a move of God and for Him to do something about it while He is up in heaven crying for a move of man and for us to go and DO something. So why not? Like one of my girls said when I told her about the food idea, "Lets rock!"

Broken Hearts Suck.

Hi! Well....I havent written in a couple of months, sorry. I know its lame but ive been busy and insanely busy too. SO much has happened though. A LOT. Well...ya know that boy that I wrote about in one of my last posts? He turned out to be a jerk, and he dumped me and broke my heart really bad. It sucked. Hardcore sucked. He did it over texting too which was really really low and immature and hurt cause I never got to say goodbye or get any kind of closure. That was on January 20th. I was depressed about it for a few weeks, then I got really pissed off, and now I'm in the missing him stage where I think about it a lot and everytime I see him it hurts because we were really good friends before we started dating. There is a soul tie established...which seems impossible to break. Because we shared so much of our emotions, we shared our life stories, we shared physical closeness and kisses, and through many many conversations and much time spent together a soul tie was formed. And thats why it hurts so badly. But I learned a lot. I will be wiser and more careful next time I enter into a relationship. Its not something to take lightly or play around with, its a serious matter and should be treated so. Broken hearts suck, its probably one of the worst pains one could ever experience. But one thing God told me at the beginning of my brokenness is this..."I am a jealous God and consuming fire. If you let something get to be too important to you, I will take it away. If something gets in the way of your love for me, I will consume it." So...its not completely his fault (mostly though), I did let him get to be too important to me...and that was stupid. I feel badly about that. But he instigated it. He lied to me and used me and severely hurt me. I dont really know how to feel about him now. I still like him, but then sometimes I really cant stand him and get pissed off just thinking about him. But then again, he's the love of my life and I miss him. I'm just confused. I kow God has someone soooo much better for me...but I miss him. I dunno. This sucks. I'm working through it and trying to move on and surge forward. But its hard.

I HATE BOYS...

Nuff' said in the title.

Redemption

I have recently experienced what it is like to be set free, once again, from the chains that the enemy wants so badly to keep us under. These were things that I never thought I would struggle with, but for about 4 months, I did. I had a 4 month battle with depression, cutting, and Bulimia. I gave in to the lies that I had been hearing my entire life. You know the ones, or maybe the ones you hear are different. The ones I have heard, and bought into said..."You are fat." "You are ugly" "You are worthless" "You need to punish yourself for what a failure you are." "You do not deserve love from any person or from God" "You deserve this." "You've gotten yourself to this point." "You dont deserve to live." Well for my whole life I have heard lies, and finally and subcontiously began to believe them. The beliefs started with small thoughts, to obsessive thoughts. From small words, to where everything that came out of my mouth was negative. The depression cam first. It started small, but progressed to the point where I was always down and living in darkness. The cutting followed. I had so much emotional pain from my past and what had been going on that I needed an outlet to escape it. So I turned to a razor blade. I used that to feel physical pain, so that I could escape the emotional turmoil. It hurt and I have scars on my arms and legs from what I did, but I thought I deserved it. That somehow I had brought it upon myself. It was the only way I knew how to handle things, and when things got tough, or I needed to escape...the razor was always there for me. Then came the eating disorder. It started with eating less, watching what I was consuming and constantly thinking about my weight. It progressed to not eating at all, starving myself. I once lost 10 pounds in a week without even trying..that was how little I was eating. I could go days without eating. My schedule was so packed that I wasnt home a lot for dinner so I could get away with it. Then when I was at home and had to eat, I resorted to throwing up. Binging and purging. That, like everything else, started small. Then, it got to the point where everything i ate cam back up. Wheather I was at home, work, church...wherever, nothing I consumed stayed down. I felt guilty eating and it always came back up. I was a full blown bulimia, captive to my disease and couldnt see a way out. It only got worse. For the last month, I think I kept about 2 meals down. I was sick, and tired and spiritually dying. Well, I was talking to my friend Amy from my spanish church, and told her everything....I dont know why, seeing as how shameful it was. BUt I did. She told my spanish pastor, Ivette, (who was also like a mentor, and an old teacher). And Ivette said she was getting me help at New Life Church. I freaked out. Well, I had to withdraw myself from _Tag adyult leadership so that I could get my life together. I was being forced into facing these issues and confronting them, but also the deeer issuse that were causing them. These depper issues were issues of pain, rejection and abandonment, and forgiveness, and insecurities. It was hell, for a month I was a complete emotional wreck, and God was breaking me completely. The people I wanted to be there couldnt be there, I had to learn to depend 100% on God and to lean on Him. He tied the hands of my allies and they couldnt fight for or with me. I couldnt talk to them or go to them for help, it had to be totally God. It got worse before it got better. I had to tell my mom, and she seemed to be overwhelmed and wanted it to just go away...but for me it was a process to freedom. I began to eat again, even small amounts were hard to keep down. I felt sick eating food, then I always felt sick because of the vomiting and my digestive system was all jacked up. I hated it. The suicidal part of my past came up, there were times where I wanted to run in front of a car or swallow a whole bottle of pills...but i ran to God. I wasnt going to give up. I had seen God work before in my life and I knew that freedom could come again. Everyday i had to fall at His feet. Everytime I failed or gave in, I had to let Him pick me back up. It was a journey of learning to trust Him and letting Him fight for me and help me to overcome. About 2 weeks ago at a _Tag prayer meeting, God spoke to me. They were playing the song "Your Love Is Extravagent." He was speaking His love over me, and speaking freedom. He told me I was beautiful, and was worth His Son's blood. That I didnt have to be captive to these issues any longer. He took me to the verse that sys "Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." And then He gave it to me. He gave me freedom. He said no more, and those things that had held me captive just...died. And I came back to life. He breathed His life into me again. He is incredible! I am free from the depression, the cutting addiction, and the bulimia. Yes, sometimes I still struggle with it, it tries to come back up...but I just have to fight it, and let God fight for me and I know I can overcome. I encourage you, don't limit God the way I did or put Him in a box. There is NOTHING that is too big for Him to handle, or to deeply rooted for Him to fix or remove. I've worked through all these issues with Him and he gave me a new heart, thats healed and whole. If there is something you need freedom from, His love is there, His hope is there, His arms are open...He's just waiting for you to run to Him. Its your call...but let me tell you; freedom is so much more enjoyable than being in chains. And He did it all. Please, let Him do it for you too.

Lifehouse 'Everything" Skit

This is basically the story of my life put into a 4 minute drama....Its incredibly powerful and gives me chills, and makes me cry every time.

My New Blog!

I just created a new blog called Kasey's African Adventure. There I will be sharing with you my preparation, and then the stories from my 3 months I am going to spend in Uganda next year. I hope you check it out!! Here's the link: www.kaseyinafrica.blogspot.com

So There's This Boy....

And he makes my head spin around! He can make me smile more than anyone possibly can. He makes me laugh. He makes me feel wanted, desired and beautiful. He loves God with everything inside of him. He's adorable, and really handsome. He's so much fun to be around. He says some of the most amazing things. He's the perfect gentleman...opens doors, gives me his jacket, pulls out chairs, and serves me. He shows his love for God in the way he treats others. He lifts me up when I am down. Lets me know that I can do it and believes in me. He brings out the best in me. He doesn't care about my flaws and accepts and actually likes me just the way I am. He likes me...a lot!! He thinks I worth investing in and being with, more than other girls. He's deep and profound. He understands me more than anyone else and I can be myself around him. I can't get him out of my head. He isnt what I would have imagined (I've always wanted a tall hispanic man), but he is everything I've ever dreamed of. He's probably the most amazing guy I've ever known. And guess what....he chose to pursue me!! It feels so amazing to be pursued, wanted and loved by someone of the opposite sex! I think it was a total God thing and He orquestrated it all. All we ever intended to be was just friends, but apparently God wanted more than that. We're in deep like with each other. We've decided that were going to date, but we're waiting on Gods timing...which He has said when I get back from Africa in July is the right time. Waiting is the hardest part, since we know where we are going and what we are going to be. We're both ready for it though, and really excited! Its gonna be fun, and a new adventure for both of us as we try to figure out what we are doing and how to be in a relationship. We're best friends right now and can only get closer from here. =) He is incredible. He's my boy and I'm his girl...well not officially, but in 6 months! YAY!!! He's a year younger than I am, like half an inch shorter, and completely amazing!

Remembering 12.09.07

Today is the one year anniversary of the shooting at my church in Colorado Springs. I still remember that day so clearly, but yet still cant believe that it has already been a year. I want there when it happened, my family left just about 5 minuted before the first shots were fired. My sister called me, crying almost panicked and saying "Are you okay?! There was a gunman that opened fire at the church! Where are ou guys, are you all safe?" We were at the grocery store, and I remember having a complete emotional breakdown, panick attack in the middle of Albertson's. Even though I wasnt there to experience or see it, it still pierced my heart because New Life is my home, my family and my family was attacked on that day. It still hurts to think of what happened o that day. We had just been rocovering from a hue blow of losing our pastor a year before, now this. We lost 2 incredible teenage girls, Rachel and Stephanie Works....sisters. I cant imagine the pain their famly went through, losing 2 daughters and sisters. But I have seen them grow, heal and listened to their story..seen God work in their brokeness. It is truely a miracle. Everyone asks, "Where was God? Why did this happen?" It happened cause the enemy wanted to destroy us. And God was right there in the midst of the horror and pain. He never leaves us. He used a very incredible woman to stop further damage from happening, we lost 2, and that is so saddening, but we could have lost so many more. It could have been mass murder. But God stopped that. I dont believe that December 9th was the defining moment for New Life, rather, it was the wednesday after at our family meeting. It was emotional. A lot of people spoke, and many tears were shed. But at the end of the night there was an anthem that spontaneously rose up and exploded from our NLC family. They started to play the song Overcome, and it flowed out of everyone there. We were singing, no, shouting, "We will overcome, by the Blood of the Lamb, and the word of our testimony. Everyone Overcome." It has been our anthem ever since. And we have overcome. These blows did not knock us down, yes they hurt, but they did not destroy us. They made us stronger and like any family, we pulled together and held each other up. We have overcome. It is truely a miracle that our church has survived so much, but God has huge plans for us and greater is HE that is in us than he that is in the world. We have overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. =)

My New Heart. =)

I went as a leader on a high school retreat a few weeks ago and it was incredible!!! Here's my story of what God did: =)

Well I went into the saturday night service and God was just there in the prayer meeting in such a powerful way, and I knew He had great things planned for these students. I wasnt expecting anything for myself, we were told to have our spiritual lives right before we went and to be completely there to minister and counsel the kids. I was there to help them experience Jesus and find His love. This weekend no one preached, there was no set sermons..it wasnt a typical retreat. God told Brent "Let Me love them. Let them love me." So thats what happened. No sermons, just God. God showed up in every single meeting we had in power and glory and manifested Himself. I was praying with my students before the service started, crying out to God for transformation and revelation to happen in their lives...I had no idea what God wanted to do inside of me. Worship started to slow down, and with it I began to hear God's voice and to break down and weep. "I need you Jesus to come to my rescue, where else can I go?" He said..."I love you. I forgive you. You no longer have to fear hell or death because I have redeemed you and I have overcome. I love you." I wept. NOt a pretty kind of crying, like a I'm a complete mess weeping and bawling my eyes out kind of crying. One that says I cannot control myself. I mean I've always known that God loves me, but I have never really known it in my heart. It was head knowledge. Its what most people say they know but dont really know. Well the whole room, about 600 people, were weeping and God was bringing revelation. Two hours of worship, weeping before Him and hearing His voice and what He was speaking. God was implanting this deep inside me, giving a revelation of His perect love and forgiveness. I now know that God loves me. Ya know? Jesus loves me this I know...except now I actually really really know it deep inside. It was amazing. We started singing this song "How He Loves" by John Mark McMillan (amazing, you should hear it!) but the chorus is "oh, How He loves us so. Oh how He loves us. How He loves us so." Then, "I realize just how beautiful you are and how great Your affections are for me." 600 junior high and highschoolers singing this chorus over and over and really getting it deep in their hearts, it was a beautiful thing! All of a sudden my heart like physically began to hurt, like it was being torn. God was emptying me of all these things holding me back, and of the things I thought were important but are really trivial and God is all that matters. My life was being poured out and emptied and it hurt. It hurt because it was surrender, a complete surrender that was happening on my part. Holding nothing back, I was broken and willing to give it all up. It physically hurt. God emptied me and ripped my heart out. He took my broken, wounded and scarred heart and ripped it out. He worked through issues, He touched it, He washed it, and ultimately healed it and made it whole. As how He ripped it out, for awile I didnt have a heart. It was just me and God, coming face to face with my issues and who I really am and becoming what He made me to be. It was raw, painful and weak. He gave me His heartbeat and love and began to pour back into me. He took away the mess, and gave me His heart and hope. While I didnt have a heart I felt empty and I wept even more because God cut out these wounds and this broken mess and ripped it out of my grasp. I gave Him my heart and pain and He held it. well after awhile, He put it back. This time it wasnt broken, scarred or wounded. It was a new heart that had a deep understanding that God loves me, that He has forgiven me. I'm filled with joy and there is no more pain or heartbreak. I felt God more near to me than I have in a very long time. I dont see my brokeness anymore, God made me whole and complete in His love for the first time in my life I am whole. I in Him and He is in me. His heart in me. He holds my heart and it belongs to only Him; no one and nothing else. No wound and no issue, it is in God's hands...brand new.

Thursday 13~ 7th Edition!

13 Of The Stupidest Things I've Done (some serious, some just dumb)

1. Fallen down on a treadmill and ripped 2 layers of skin off my legs. (o ouch!)

2. Burned myself with oil cooking pork chops.

3. Called a customer Mr. when its a girl, or Ms. when its a guy. (happens too many times!)

4. Cut myself. (not the accidental kind)

5. Told people I love things that hurt.

6. Say curse words in front of my mother under my breath. (God help me!)

7. Fallen up the stairs.

8. Taken prescription drugs when not needed to "numb" life's pain.

9. Eaten missions training food. aka...food that is made to be horrible that you have to eat! (not my choice I was forced.)

10. Gotten a 20% score on a math test. (I'm horrible at math!)

11. When I was 7, I kissed a boy so he would let me play on his playset in his backyard.

12. Walked away from God for about 5 months.

13. Held a grudge. They destroy you, its easier to forgive and move on.

What are some of the stupid things you have done? Or can you relate to any of mine?