I have recently experienced what it is like to be set free, once again, from the chains that the enemy wants so badly to keep us under. These were things that I never thought I would struggle with, but for about 4 months, I did. I had a 4 month battle with depression, cutting, and Bulimia. I gave in to the lies that I had been hearing my entire life. You know the ones, or maybe the ones you hear are different. The ones I have heard, and bought into said..."You are fat." "You are ugly" "You are worthless" "You need to punish yourself for what a failure you are." "You do not deserve love from any person or from God" "You deserve this." "You've gotten yourself to this point." "You dont deserve to live." Well for my whole life I have heard lies, and finally and subcontiously began to believe them. The beliefs started with small thoughts, to obsessive thoughts. From small words, to where everything that came out of my mouth was negative. The depression cam first. It started small, but progressed to the point where I was always down and living in darkness. The cutting followed. I had so much emotional pain from my past and what had been going on that I needed an outlet to escape it. So I turned to a razor blade. I used that to feel physical pain, so that I could escape the emotional turmoil. It hurt and I have scars on my arms and legs from what I did, but I thought I deserved it. That somehow I had brought it upon myself. It was the only way I knew how to handle things, and when things got tough, or I needed to escape...the razor was always there for me. Then came the eating disorder. It started with eating less, watching what I was consuming and constantly thinking about my weight. It progressed to not eating at all, starving myself. I once lost 10 pounds in a week without even trying..that was how little I was eating. I could go days without eating. My schedule was so packed that I wasnt home a lot for dinner so I could get away with it. Then when I was at home and had to eat, I resorted to throwing up. Binging and purging. That, like everything else, started small. Then, it got to the point where everything i ate cam back up. Wheather I was at home, work, church...wherever, nothing I consumed stayed down. I felt guilty eating and it always came back up. I was a full blown bulimia, captive to my disease and couldnt see a way out. It only got worse. For the last month, I think I kept about 2 meals down. I was sick, and tired and spiritually dying. Well, I was talking to my friend Amy from my spanish church, and told her everything....I dont know why, seeing as how shameful it was. BUt I did. She told my spanish pastor, Ivette, (who was also like a mentor, and an old teacher). And Ivette said she was getting me help at New Life Church. I freaked out. Well, I had to withdraw myself from _Tag adyult leadership so that I could get my life together. I was being forced into facing these issues and confronting them, but also the deeer issuse that were causing them. These depper issues were issues of pain, rejection and abandonment, and forgiveness, and insecurities. It was hell, for a month I was a complete emotional wreck, and God was breaking me completely. The people I wanted to be there couldnt be there, I had to learn to depend 100% on God and to lean on Him. He tied the hands of my allies and they couldnt fight for or with me. I couldnt talk to them or go to them for help, it had to be totally God. It got worse before it got better. I had to tell my mom, and she seemed to be overwhelmed and wanted it to just go away...but for me it was a process to freedom. I began to eat again, even small amounts were hard to keep down. I felt sick eating food, then I always felt sick because of the vomiting and my digestive system was all jacked up. I hated it. The suicidal part of my past came up, there were times where I wanted to run in front of a car or swallow a whole bottle of pills...but i ran to God. I wasnt going to give up. I had seen God work before in my life and I knew that freedom could come again. Everyday i had to fall at His feet. Everytime I failed or gave in, I had to let Him pick me back up. It was a journey of learning to trust Him and letting Him fight for me and help me to overcome. About 2 weeks ago at a _Tag prayer meeting, God spoke to me. They were playing the song "Your Love Is Extravagent." He was speaking His love over me, and speaking freedom. He told me I was beautiful, and was worth His Son's blood. That I didnt have to be captive to these issues any longer. He took me to the verse that sys "Where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom." And then He gave it to me. He gave me freedom. He said no more, and those things that had held me captive just...died. And I came back to life. He breathed His life into me again. He is incredible! I am free from the depression, the cutting addiction, and the bulimia. Yes, sometimes I still struggle with it, it tries to come back up...but I just have to fight it, and let God fight for me and I know I can overcome. I encourage you, don't limit God the way I did or put Him in a box. There is NOTHING that is too big for Him to handle, or to deeply rooted for Him to fix or remove. I've worked through all these issues with Him and he gave me a new heart, thats healed and whole. If there is something you need freedom from, His love is there, His hope is there, His arms are open...He's just waiting for you to run to Him. Its your call...but let me tell you; freedom is so much more enjoyable than being in chains. And He did it all. Please, let Him do it for you too.
This is basically the story of my life put into a 4 minute drama....Its incredibly powerful and gives me chills, and makes me cry every time.
Posted by Kasey at 12:12 AM
I just created a new blog called Kasey's African Adventure. There I will be sharing with you my preparation, and then the stories from my 3 months I am going to spend in Uganda next year. I hope you check it out!! Here's the link: www.kaseyinafrica.blogspot.com
Posted by Kasey at 11:24 PM
And he makes my head spin around! He can make me smile more than anyone possibly can. He makes me laugh. He makes me feel wanted, desired and beautiful. He loves God with everything inside of him. He's adorable, and really handsome. He's so much fun to be around. He says some of the most amazing things. He's the perfect gentleman...opens doors, gives me his jacket, pulls out chairs, and serves me. He shows his love for God in the way he treats others. He lifts me up when I am down. Lets me know that I can do it and believes in me. He brings out the best in me. He doesn't care about my flaws and accepts and actually likes me just the way I am. He likes me...a lot!! He thinks I worth investing in and being with, more than other girls. He's deep and profound. He understands me more than anyone else and I can be myself around him. I can't get him out of my head. He isnt what I would have imagined (I've always wanted a tall hispanic man), but he is everything I've ever dreamed of. He's probably the most amazing guy I've ever known. And guess what....he chose to pursue me!! It feels so amazing to be pursued, wanted and loved by someone of the opposite sex! I think it was a total God thing and He orquestrated it all. All we ever intended to be was just friends, but apparently God wanted more than that. We're in deep like with each other. We've decided that were going to date, but we're waiting on Gods timing...which He has said when I get back from Africa in July is the right time. Waiting is the hardest part, since we know where we are going and what we are going to be. We're both ready for it though, and really excited! Its gonna be fun, and a new adventure for both of us as we try to figure out what we are doing and how to be in a relationship. We're best friends right now and can only get closer from here. =) He is incredible. He's my boy and I'm his girl...well not officially, but in 6 months! YAY!!! He's a year younger than I am, like half an inch shorter, and completely amazing!
Posted by Kasey at 9:54 AM
Today is the one year anniversary of the shooting at my church in Colorado Springs. I still remember that day so clearly, but yet still cant believe that it has already been a year. I want there when it happened, my family left just about 5 minuted before the first shots were fired. My sister called me, crying almost panicked and saying "Are you okay?! There was a gunman that opened fire at the church! Where are ou guys, are you all safe?" We were at the grocery store, and I remember having a complete emotional breakdown, panick attack in the middle of Albertson's. Even though I wasnt there to experience or see it, it still pierced my heart because New Life is my home, my family and my family was attacked on that day. It still hurts to think of what happened o that day. We had just been rocovering from a hue blow of losing our pastor a year before, now this. We lost 2 incredible teenage girls, Rachel and Stephanie Works....sisters. I cant imagine the pain their famly went through, losing 2 daughters and sisters. But I have seen them grow, heal and listened to their story..seen God work in their brokeness. It is truely a miracle. Everyone asks, "Where was God? Why did this happen?" It happened cause the enemy wanted to destroy us. And God was right there in the midst of the horror and pain. He never leaves us. He used a very incredible woman to stop further damage from happening, we lost 2, and that is so saddening, but we could have lost so many more. It could have been mass murder. But God stopped that. I dont believe that December 9th was the defining moment for New Life, rather, it was the wednesday after at our family meeting. It was emotional. A lot of people spoke, and many tears were shed. But at the end of the night there was an anthem that spontaneously rose up and exploded from our NLC family. They started to play the song Overcome, and it flowed out of everyone there. We were singing, no, shouting, "We will overcome, by the Blood of the Lamb, and the word of our testimony. Everyone Overcome." It has been our anthem ever since. And we have overcome. These blows did not knock us down, yes they hurt, but they did not destroy us. They made us stronger and like any family, we pulled together and held each other up. We have overcome. It is truely a miracle that our church has survived so much, but God has huge plans for us and greater is HE that is in us than he that is in the world. We have overcome by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. =)
Posted by Kasey at 10:50 PM