Rambling Session.

I feel like rambling. My topic of choice: Food. You know those things that you love, but you hate, but then you really love it? Yup. That basically sums up my relationship with food. It is an up and down, on and off, love and hate relationship.

Now for those of you that don't know, which is basically all of you unless you've read my lame blog before. Here's what you should know: I used to be bulimic. Which most of you know, is like a crazy roller coaster ride of hating and loving food at the same time. You want to eat cause it tastes good and makes you feel good and leaves you satisfied. But, when you eat, overwhelming feeling of guilt come over you, and you begin to hate food cause its the things that makes you...What's the word, oh yeah, FAT! Yay for fat!! Not really. Now, no one wants to be fat! No one wakes up one day and says, "I think I'm gonna wake up tomorrow and eat everything in the fridge, and maybe top it off with a milkshake from McDonalds!" No! No one wants to be fat! But with a series of choices, it just happens. No one has that thought. But then there is the other side of extreme and crazy which is a person that says, "I'm not going to eat. I don't want to be fat. I don't want to feel like Shamoo's whale mother anymore!" Well...even if that person isn't fat, their mental image is distorted, and when they look in the mirror, indeed what they see is a fat whale. Its just ridiculous!

A lot of people don't understand eating disorders, it really isn't something you could understand until you experience it. I have. Its hell. But allow me to introduce you to the world of a Bulimic, and maybe you will gain a little understanding and stop judging them. When I was caught in this disorder, I remember my family was watching "Deal or No Deal." We've all seen it right? The game show with the bald guy and about 40 anorexic girls. It was a Thanksgiving special and the girls were having an eating contest. My mom made a remark and said, "You know they'll all probably go backstage and throw it up during commercial." Little did she know that her own daughter, in her own house, was doing just that after every mean. And let me tell you, it wasn't just after every meal, it was every single time I ate! I wasn't like some girls, I never did that bingeing crap; I wasn't eating the entire store for Pete's sake! No, to me, food was repulsive. Just the thought of eating food was repulsive and made my stomach churn. I started out by starving myself. A day, 2, 3, a week, 2 weeks, 3 weeks, time goes by and I still haven't eaten anything. Well, I was making up excuses as to why I wasn't eating. "I ate while I was at work." "I ate at my friend's house." "I ate at church." "I'm not hungry." or, "I'm fasting." LIES! All lies! Just like the lies of the enemy I had believed. Now these lies told me, "You're fat!" "You're ugly!" "You're worthless!" Then, "Don;t you dare eat that! Do you know what it will do to you? Its gonna make you fat!" Now, you can ignore these things for quite some time. But there comes a point where they consume your mind and emotions, and all of it comes out in actions. Ladies and gentleman, I am referring to Bulimia! When I couldn't hide the fact that I wasn't eating any longer, I decided to resort to puking. I mean, yeah its not what I really wanted to do, but I couldn't not eat, and I couldn't keep food in my body cause we all know how terrible it is to have nutrition and nourishment! Awful! I don't know why anyone would want that stuff! Well, as I was saying, I never did the whole binge and purge crap. No, what I did was probably much worse...Because not only was I puking, I was doing it every single time I ate. I could eat a salad and think to myself, "Dam it! I can't let that sit! It's gonna make me fat!" So, up would come the salad. It really didn't matter what it was, it all came up, even the smallest things. And it didn't matter where I was; home, work, public places, and even church; I puked it all up. I made sure there was nothing left in, I did it until all that was left was dry heaves. You may be asking, "What the heck was wrong with this chick?!" Yeah, I often wondered that myself! What? You knew you had a problem? You better believe I did! I knew what I was doing was just plain foolish, and I wanted out. But, once you get stuck in that lifestyle, there is really no easy escape route. And, in severe cases like mine...the body will get to the point where you literally have no control and can't keep any food down. When I was recovering, I would eat small meals, but, involuntarily, not by choice, I would get real sick feeling and up that food would come, with no help from me. When people found out, they would get frustrated when I was still doing the same old thing. What they didn't understand was that eating disorders are just that, they are a disorder...something is wrong, out of order and where it should be. Its a mental thing. You're mind is so convinced of your fatness that you can't see past it. Some people think its an easy thing to get out of and if you would just decide to stop then it would happen. Well, let me tune you in for a Newsflash with Kasey: It simply does not work that way! Its a life of captivity and bondage and you do not know freedom. It takes time to recover and heal; physically, emotionally and mentally.

Well, now that I told you about my little 6 month bout with bulimia, let me share the hope that came to me. His Name is Jesus Christ. It it wasn't for Him, I would be dead by now. Surely, I would have landed myself in a hospital. But, Jesus set me free from the disorder and gave me my life back!! :) PRAISE TO HIS NAME!

Next time you come across a girl fighting with an eating disorder; please, don't judge or criticize her-- that will probably only make it worse. Instead, extend a hand of compassion, grace, love; and just listen to their story and feelings if they are willing to talk, never force them to talk though. But a lot of these girls, like I did, just want somebody to listen- to know someone is there and they care about what you are going through.

Now, since then, my relationship with food has still not been normal, to say the least. Its been everything but normal. I go through stages. Stage One: I can sit down and eat and eat the whole kitchen. Stage Two: I don't eat. I forget to eat and really avoid food at all cost. Stage Three: I eat, but I obsessively control my portions. At the current moment, I am in the middle. I like food, I do. But at the same time I really hate it. I fight with the temptation to not eat, or to throw up, pretty much daily. Its a struggle. But I am determined that I am not going to fall back into that lifestyle of captivity. Heck no! I don't want that. I have been trying to control my sugar addiction, and not eating so much, been cutting back on portions and how many times I eat.

For some people, food is a normal part of life and its no big deal. For me, a recovered bulimic, food is a huge deal. I fight with it. I am currently winning. But, I would appreciate your prayers cause the fight has been especially strong lately. Thanks for reading my hyperactive ramblings.

God bless.



Trust. You hear the word almost everyday, if not everyday. But what does it really mean? And how many of us really know how to actually do it? When you hear somebody say "You can trust me." or, "Trust me", or, "Do you trust me?" Do you actually know what it means? Do you know what it means to trust in somebody?

God calls us into a lifestyle of trust. In Him. And in the people that He has surrounded us with.

The dictionary defines Trust as this:

1. Reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing; confidence.
2. Confident expectation of something; hope.
3. A person on whom or thing on which one relies.

The one that catches my eye is the first one. "Reliance on the integrity, strength, ability...of a person or thing; confidence."

Another definition of Trust that I like, and to make is in all simpleness, is FAITH.
Hebrews 11:1, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

Faith is being certain, confident, and believing in what we cannot see. We can't see God, yet we believe in Him and put our hope in Him. Yes we can see Him working and moving, and we can feel Him in our lives, but we cannot see Him with our physical eyes. Yet, faith, which is required in our Christian walk, is to be certain of what we cannot see. Faith is parallel to Trust. When we have faith, we believe what God has told us, in what He has promised us, and in what He is doing. We trust in His strength, ability, and love. We have hope that He is who He says He is. When God says, "Trust me." We should just at the opportunity to hope in the God who holds everything in His hands.

God is calling, He is asking each one of us a question. He is saying:

"Do you trust me?"

And we cannot answer this question without much thought. And I believe, that if most of us were to examine our hearts, the answer would be a clear "No." See, most of us profess that we trust in God, but in actuality we don't. Our words don't match up with reality. For most of us, it is hard to trust God. What should come easy, doesn't. Because in our humanity, we like to be able to see things and then believe. When our physical eyes cannot see God, part of us decides that maybe we can't trust in Him. We ask questions like, "Where is He?" "What if He doesn't come through for me?" Our questions are filled with doubt.

This is where faith comes in. Faith is the complete opposite of doubt. When we doubt, faith and hope cannot live in us. The enemy wants us to doubt God, cause when we doubt God we tie His hands and keep Him at a distance. When we have faith in God, He has an open canvas to paint, to do His work on, and to create a masterpiece. Only when we trust in God can He work in our lives. To have faith is to Trust. To Trust is to have confidence. To have confidence is to have hope. The have hope is to have Christ.

Even though we cannot see God, it is key that we trust in Him. Even when we don't understand completely what it means to trust, if You ask Him, He will lead you and show you what it means. Even when things don't make sense. Even when you don't understand. Even when your world is crashing in around you. Even when things are great and everything is going fine. Even when God asks you to do something crazy. Whatever the circumstance, Trust in the King, that is the key to living.

Without God, we are and we have nothing. With Him, anything is possible.

I challenge you to examine your heart. Let God ask you His question, "Do you trust me?" And don't answer right away. Really think about it. If your answer is "Yes", great, continue to trust in Him. But if it is a "No.", then let the Holy Spirit speak to you, guide you, and teach you what it means and what it looks like to trust in God. Let Him break down the walls that are keeping you from trusting God. He will do His work, but first yo have to let Him.

What are you waiting for? Life is waiting for you, all you have to do is trust.

2009 In Review :)

At the beginning of 2009, I was broken. I was just coming out of the darkest time of my life and had just been set free from the darkness that had swallowed me. I was dating a guy who I loved, but I lost him. I allowed him to become way too important to me and God had to cut our bond. I let him slip into the #1 place in my heart...and that place belongs to Jesus and Jesus alone. I didnt understand it then, until God told me "i am a jealous God and a consuming fire, and if anything gets in the way of your affection for me, I will burn it up." And thats what happened. It took me almost the whole year to be able to move on, but finally, I can say that I have forgiven the boy and moved past it. He is in the past and Jesus is my now. :)

In april, I lost my job, That was really hard, I had to fully rely on God and learn to trust in Him to provide, I had to put all my hope in Him. And He was and has been faithful to provide. He has never left or abandoned me, His hand has been on me and guiding me the whole time.

After that happened, I began to fall so deeply in love with God and was completely overwhelmed with love for Him and His love for me. I asked Him to consume my life and He did exactly that. In may, satan began to tempt me with the things from my past...the cutting, bulimia and depression. I fought with it, and refused to give in and give him a stronghold again in my life. I said "NO", and gave those thoughts and emotions to Jesus and He took them away. I havent struggled with those things ever since. I was so insecure, but not anymore. God spoke identity into my life. He told me who I am.

In June, I had an opportunity to share my testimony with a group of about 70 troubled youth in a juvenile detention/rehabilitation center. I saw God give me strength and take away my fear of speaking to them. I felt Him speak through me. And it was on father's day. Most of these kids, like me, do not have dads. I was able to tell them about my Eternal Daddy, the One who rescued me and holds me in his arms. I had the chance to pray with some girls that were very broken, and see them cry and see God maybe for the first time in their lives.

In June and July, was Desperation. In both conferences, God touched my heart and life in a powerful way. He restored my dreams. Mended my broken heart. Spoke purpose into my life. Matt Pitt said "God wants to interrupt history and He needs people to do this. There wil always be evil people wanting to interrupt history and if you dont do it, they will" Those rocked me to the core, and a fire and determination rose up in me to change the world I live in and fulfill God's purpose in my own generation (Acts 3:36)...In the july conference I saw a miracle as 4,000 students gave $45,000 dollars to build 3 orphan homes in Uganda. AMAZING. The celebration that rose up from that place was amazing. I wept as i thought about the precious children that would be saved from a life of poverty, without a family or someone to take care of them, starvation, disease, and being forced into sex slavery. Lives rescued.

In September, God gave my spanish church our own building to call home. :) it was truly a miracle how He provided for us. And our church is beautiful. I love it. Its not just a building though. Its a family, my family.

In October, I went on the _tag retreat INVITED as a leader. It was based on this idea: The eternal invitation is Jesus. Only Jesus. We cannot hold onto other things. It was never meant to be Jesus, And....it was only meant to be Jesus. Only Jesus. He has invited us to an eternity in relationship and love with Jim, and it starts now. God wants you. He will never turn anyone away that comes to Him. You have been invited, all you have to do is show up to the invitation. Show up, everyday. Then, Jeremiah talked about The Deception of Rejection, and how when we live by what God says about us, nothing can touch us and the opinions of people will not matter. I went up there to minister to kids and help them see God, which I got to do a lot of, but in the end, my life was touched by God and I was transformed. God took away my fear of rejection and of people and made it so what He says is all that matters to me. He showed me that the rags i was wearing are no longer what I am wearing, I am wearing a pure white gown, that looks like a wedding dress...signifying that God has united me to His heart and cleaned off all my stains. God called me to dance with Him, to let Him lead me where He wants me to go, to steps I dont know, but he knows. :)

In November, the youth pastor from my church in Mexico came to speak at _Tag, and as he was speaking my heart completely broke all over again for Mexico. My little sister, Nebai, who is from Mexico, her and I were weeping uncontrollably, breaking for Mexico, crying out to God for Him to save the people and the nation that is so lost, that we love so much.

This December, God told me that I am so stuck in the future that I couldnt enjoy or live in the now. That he could not and would not give me the future until I learned to be thankful for and live content and happy now. To keep dreaming, but not forget about today. He is sending me to Alabama for a season, which will start in september, I was supposed to go in February, but he has work to do in me still. When I decided to be content and thankful for where I am, He finally gave me a job. At Taco Bell...the last place I wanted to work, but it humbled me and now I have a job and someway to make money. I'm grateful for it. This New Years Eve, I was standing in worship, singing and pouring my heart out to God. I was thinking about how a year ago I was trying to kill myself and right now today, I have never been so free before in my life. I AM FREE!!!!! I wept. I wept and I wept uncontrolably, literally unable to stop my crying. I was overwhelmed with gratitude, and love for God. And He was pouring His love out on me. I was so caught up with His Spirit. It was incredible. Then, I got to celebrate and ring in this new year with my family, the people that I love the most in this world. :)

My New Year Decisions:

1. To become intimate friends with Worship, Prayer, Fasting and Scripture.
2. To spend time everyday on my knees, facedown, in surrender and love to God.
3. To be a better friend, daughter and sister.
4. To share the gospel of Jesus Christ with as many people as I possibly can.
5. I will obey God, no matter how uncomfortable it is or what it costs me.
6. I wont let my life be dictated by what others say, but what God says.
7. I will deny my flesh, and live by the Spirit.
8. To be a servant to all.
9. To live my life with the standard of Holiness.

I have been mauled over and over and over again by the Holy Spirit this year. When I look back at who I was and where I was a year ago, and where I am today, it is a difference between night and day. It is so far from where my life was and the pit I was in. God has transformed my life. He took me from depression, being negative, dying...to giving mye a neverending Joy, and allowing me to really live. And now, I AM FREE. The new year deserves a new me, and God is going to continue to transform my live. I challenge you to allow Him to do His work in you, to take you where you could never even dream. Who is going to run your life this year? You, or God? I hope your answer is that God will be your King this year and for the rest of your life. Eliminate the tings that are bad and holding you back, and dive into the things of God and His life.

Kasey <3