11.15.2008

My New Heart. =)

I went as a leader on a high school retreat a few weeks ago and it was incredible!!! Here's my story of what God did: =)

Well I went into the saturday night service and God was just there in the prayer meeting in such a powerful way, and I knew He had great things planned for these students. I wasnt expecting anything for myself, we were told to have our spiritual lives right before we went and to be completely there to minister and counsel the kids. I was there to help them experience Jesus and find His love. This weekend no one preached, there was no set sermons..it wasnt a typical retreat. God told Brent "Let Me love them. Let them love me." So thats what happened. No sermons, just God. God showed up in every single meeting we had in power and glory and manifested Himself. I was praying with my students before the service started, crying out to God for transformation and revelation to happen in their lives...I had no idea what God wanted to do inside of me. Worship started to slow down, and with it I began to hear God's voice and to break down and weep. "I need you Jesus to come to my rescue, where else can I go?" He said..."I love you. I forgive you. You no longer have to fear hell or death because I have redeemed you and I have overcome. I love you." I wept. NOt a pretty kind of crying, like a I'm a complete mess weeping and bawling my eyes out kind of crying. One that says I cannot control myself. I mean I've always known that God loves me, but I have never really known it in my heart. It was head knowledge. Its what most people say they know but dont really know. Well the whole room, about 600 people, were weeping and God was bringing revelation. Two hours of worship, weeping before Him and hearing His voice and what He was speaking. God was implanting this deep inside me, giving a revelation of His perect love and forgiveness. I now know that God loves me. Ya know? Jesus loves me this I know...except now I actually really really know it deep inside. It was amazing. We started singing this song "How He Loves" by John Mark McMillan (amazing, you should hear it!) but the chorus is "oh, How He loves us so. Oh how He loves us. How He loves us so." Then, "I realize just how beautiful you are and how great Your affections are for me." 600 junior high and highschoolers singing this chorus over and over and really getting it deep in their hearts, it was a beautiful thing! All of a sudden my heart like physically began to hurt, like it was being torn. God was emptying me of all these things holding me back, and of the things I thought were important but are really trivial and God is all that matters. My life was being poured out and emptied and it hurt. It hurt because it was surrender, a complete surrender that was happening on my part. Holding nothing back, I was broken and willing to give it all up. It physically hurt. God emptied me and ripped my heart out. He took my broken, wounded and scarred heart and ripped it out. He worked through issues, He touched it, He washed it, and ultimately healed it and made it whole. As how He ripped it out, for awile I didnt have a heart. It was just me and God, coming face to face with my issues and who I really am and becoming what He made me to be. It was raw, painful and weak. He gave me His heartbeat and love and began to pour back into me. He took away the mess, and gave me His heart and hope. While I didnt have a heart I felt empty and I wept even more because God cut out these wounds and this broken mess and ripped it out of my grasp. I gave Him my heart and pain and He held it. well after awhile, He put it back. This time it wasnt broken, scarred or wounded. It was a new heart that had a deep understanding that God loves me, that He has forgiven me. I'm filled with joy and there is no more pain or heartbreak. I felt God more near to me than I have in a very long time. I dont see my brokeness anymore, God made me whole and complete in His love for the first time in my life I am whole. I in Him and He is in me. His heart in me. He holds my heart and it belongs to only Him; no one and nothing else. No wound and no issue, it is in God's hands...brand new.

2 comments:

Monday through Sunday said...

I love you!

melanie said...

moved...

http://memelaniemel.blogspot.com/