4.19.2010

Rambling Session.

I feel like rambling. My topic of choice: Food. You know those things that you love, but you hate, but then you really love it? Yup. That basically sums up my relationship with food. It is an up and down, on and off, love and hate relationship.


Now for those of you that don't know, which is basically all of you unless you've read my lame blog before. Here's what you should know: I used to be bulimic. Which most of you know, is like a crazy roller coaster ride of hating and loving food at the same time. You want to eat cause it tastes good and makes you feel good and leaves you satisfied. But, when you eat, overwhelming feeling of guilt come over you, and you begin to hate food cause its the things that makes you...What's the word, oh yeah, FAT! Yay for fat!! Not really. Now, no one wants to be fat! No one wakes up one day and says, "I think I'm gonna wake up tomorrow and eat everything in the fridge, and maybe top it off with a milkshake from McDonalds!" No! No one wants to be fat! But with a series of choices, it just happens. No one has that thought. But then there is the other side of extreme and crazy which is a person that says, "I'm not going to eat. I don't want to be fat. I don't want to feel like Shamoo's whale mother anymore!" Well...even if that person isn't fat, their mental image is distorted, and when they look in the mirror, indeed what they see is a fat whale. Its just ridiculous!

A lot of people don't understand eating disorders, it really isn't something you could understand until you experience it. I have. Its hell. But allow me to introduce you to the world of a Bulimic, and maybe you will gain a little understanding and stop judging them. When I was caught in this disorder, I remember my family was watching "Deal or No Deal." We've all seen it right? The game show with the bald guy and about 40 anorexic girls. It was a Thanksgiving special and the girls were having an eating contest. My mom made a remark and said, "You know they'll all probably go backstage and throw it up during commercial." Little did she know that her own daughter, in her own house, was doing just that after every mean. And let me tell you, it wasn't just after every meal, it was every single time I ate! I wasn't like some girls, I never did that bingeing crap; I wasn't eating the entire store for Pete's sake! No, to me, food was repulsive. Just the thought of eating food was repulsive and made my stomach churn. I started out by starving myself. A day, 2, 3, a week, 2 weeks, 3 weeks, time goes by and I still haven't eaten anything. Well, I was making up excuses as to why I wasn't eating. "I ate while I was at work." "I ate at my friend's house." "I ate at church." "I'm not hungry." or, "I'm fasting." LIES! All lies! Just like the lies of the enemy I had believed. Now these lies told me, "You're fat!" "You're ugly!" "You're worthless!" Then, "Don;t you dare eat that! Do you know what it will do to you? Its gonna make you fat!" Now, you can ignore these things for quite some time. But there comes a point where they consume your mind and emotions, and all of it comes out in actions. Ladies and gentleman, I am referring to Bulimia! When I couldn't hide the fact that I wasn't eating any longer, I decided to resort to puking. I mean, yeah its not what I really wanted to do, but I couldn't not eat, and I couldn't keep food in my body cause we all know how terrible it is to have nutrition and nourishment! Awful! I don't know why anyone would want that stuff! Well, as I was saying, I never did the whole binge and purge crap. No, what I did was probably much worse...Because not only was I puking, I was doing it every single time I ate. I could eat a salad and think to myself, "Dam it! I can't let that sit! It's gonna make me fat!" So, up would come the salad. It really didn't matter what it was, it all came up, even the smallest things. And it didn't matter where I was; home, work, public places, and even church; I puked it all up. I made sure there was nothing left in, I did it until all that was left was dry heaves. You may be asking, "What the heck was wrong with this chick?!" Yeah, I often wondered that myself! What? You knew you had a problem? You better believe I did! I knew what I was doing was just plain foolish, and I wanted out. But, once you get stuck in that lifestyle, there is really no easy escape route. And, in severe cases like mine...the body will get to the point where you literally have no control and can't keep any food down. When I was recovering, I would eat small meals, but, involuntarily, not by choice, I would get real sick feeling and up that food would come, with no help from me. When people found out, they would get frustrated when I was still doing the same old thing. What they didn't understand was that eating disorders are just that, they are a disorder...something is wrong, out of order and where it should be. Its a mental thing. You're mind is so convinced of your fatness that you can't see past it. Some people think its an easy thing to get out of and if you would just decide to stop then it would happen. Well, let me tune you in for a Newsflash with Kasey: It simply does not work that way! Its a life of captivity and bondage and you do not know freedom. It takes time to recover and heal; physically, emotionally and mentally.

Well, now that I told you about my little 6 month bout with bulimia, let me share the hope that came to me. His Name is Jesus Christ. It it wasn't for Him, I would be dead by now. Surely, I would have landed myself in a hospital. But, Jesus set me free from the disorder and gave me my life back!! :) PRAISE TO HIS NAME!

Next time you come across a girl fighting with an eating disorder; please, don't judge or criticize her-- that will probably only make it worse. Instead, extend a hand of compassion, grace, love; and just listen to their story and feelings if they are willing to talk, never force them to talk though. But a lot of these girls, like I did, just want somebody to listen- to know someone is there and they care about what you are going through.

Now, since then, my relationship with food has still not been normal, to say the least. Its been everything but normal. I go through stages. Stage One: I can sit down and eat and eat the whole kitchen. Stage Two: I don't eat. I forget to eat and really avoid food at all cost. Stage Three: I eat, but I obsessively control my portions. At the current moment, I am in the middle. I like food, I do. But at the same time I really hate it. I fight with the temptation to not eat, or to throw up, pretty much daily. Its a struggle. But I am determined that I am not going to fall back into that lifestyle of captivity. Heck no! I don't want that. I have been trying to control my sugar addiction, and not eating so much, been cutting back on portions and how many times I eat.

For some people, food is a normal part of life and its no big deal. For me, a recovered bulimic, food is a huge deal. I fight with it. I am currently winning. But, I would appreciate your prayers cause the fight has been especially strong lately. Thanks for reading my hyperactive ramblings.

God bless.

2 comments:

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joven said...

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