My New Heart. =)

I went as a leader on a high school retreat a few weeks ago and it was incredible!!! Here's my story of what God did: =)

Well I went into the saturday night service and God was just there in the prayer meeting in such a powerful way, and I knew He had great things planned for these students. I wasnt expecting anything for myself, we were told to have our spiritual lives right before we went and to be completely there to minister and counsel the kids. I was there to help them experience Jesus and find His love. This weekend no one preached, there was no set sermons..it wasnt a typical retreat. God told Brent "Let Me love them. Let them love me." So thats what happened. No sermons, just God. God showed up in every single meeting we had in power and glory and manifested Himself. I was praying with my students before the service started, crying out to God for transformation and revelation to happen in their lives...I had no idea what God wanted to do inside of me. Worship started to slow down, and with it I began to hear God's voice and to break down and weep. "I need you Jesus to come to my rescue, where else can I go?" He said..."I love you. I forgive you. You no longer have to fear hell or death because I have redeemed you and I have overcome. I love you." I wept. NOt a pretty kind of crying, like a I'm a complete mess weeping and bawling my eyes out kind of crying. One that says I cannot control myself. I mean I've always known that God loves me, but I have never really known it in my heart. It was head knowledge. Its what most people say they know but dont really know. Well the whole room, about 600 people, were weeping and God was bringing revelation. Two hours of worship, weeping before Him and hearing His voice and what He was speaking. God was implanting this deep inside me, giving a revelation of His perect love and forgiveness. I now know that God loves me. Ya know? Jesus loves me this I know...except now I actually really really know it deep inside. It was amazing. We started singing this song "How He Loves" by John Mark McMillan (amazing, you should hear it!) but the chorus is "oh, How He loves us so. Oh how He loves us. How He loves us so." Then, "I realize just how beautiful you are and how great Your affections are for me." 600 junior high and highschoolers singing this chorus over and over and really getting it deep in their hearts, it was a beautiful thing! All of a sudden my heart like physically began to hurt, like it was being torn. God was emptying me of all these things holding me back, and of the things I thought were important but are really trivial and God is all that matters. My life was being poured out and emptied and it hurt. It hurt because it was surrender, a complete surrender that was happening on my part. Holding nothing back, I was broken and willing to give it all up. It physically hurt. God emptied me and ripped my heart out. He took my broken, wounded and scarred heart and ripped it out. He worked through issues, He touched it, He washed it, and ultimately healed it and made it whole. As how He ripped it out, for awile I didnt have a heart. It was just me and God, coming face to face with my issues and who I really am and becoming what He made me to be. It was raw, painful and weak. He gave me His heartbeat and love and began to pour back into me. He took away the mess, and gave me His heart and hope. While I didnt have a heart I felt empty and I wept even more because God cut out these wounds and this broken mess and ripped it out of my grasp. I gave Him my heart and pain and He held it. well after awhile, He put it back. This time it wasnt broken, scarred or wounded. It was a new heart that had a deep understanding that God loves me, that He has forgiven me. I'm filled with joy and there is no more pain or heartbreak. I felt God more near to me than I have in a very long time. I dont see my brokeness anymore, God made me whole and complete in His love for the first time in my life I am whole. I in Him and He is in me. His heart in me. He holds my heart and it belongs to only Him; no one and nothing else. No wound and no issue, it is in God's hands...brand new.

Thursday 13~ 7th Edition!

13 Of The Stupidest Things I've Done (some serious, some just dumb)

1. Fallen down on a treadmill and ripped 2 layers of skin off my legs. (o ouch!)

2. Burned myself with oil cooking pork chops.

3. Called a customer Mr. when its a girl, or Ms. when its a guy. (happens too many times!)

4. Cut myself. (not the accidental kind)

5. Told people I love things that hurt.

6. Say curse words in front of my mother under my breath. (God help me!)

7. Fallen up the stairs.

8. Taken prescription drugs when not needed to "numb" life's pain.

9. Eaten missions training food. aka...food that is made to be horrible that you have to eat! (not my choice I was forced.)

10. Gotten a 20% score on a math test. (I'm horrible at math!)

11. When I was 7, I kissed a boy so he would let me play on his playset in his backyard.

12. Walked away from God for about 5 months.

13. Held a grudge. They destroy you, its easier to forgive and move on.

What are some of the stupid things you have done? Or can you relate to any of mine?

Thursday 13~ 6th Edition!

13 Standards For My Future Husband

1. First and foremost he must be a strong Christian. He must but God in the first place of his life, even above me, and must have a heart to seek after God and konw Him more. Worship is passionate and sold out. Prayer is fervent and full of faith. His love for God must be what defines him as a man.

2. He must have a full time call to missions and ministry, seeing as how my call is to be a full time missionary. Preferibly to the same country I am called to be in, Mexico. But the call and purpose for this job must be on him, and his heart needs to be for missions and spreasing the gospel of Jesus across the earth. He must support my goal to build a girls home in Mexico.

3. He has a love for kids. I want at least 3 of my own and maybe to adopt a couple. We need to see eye to eye when it comes to raising kids and discipline. He needs to be good with them, cause lets face it...some guys dont have a clue when it comes to kids.

4. He needs to respect me and love me and treat me like the love of his life. The Bible commands men to respect and love their wives like Christ loves the church, I completely expect this out of my husband. He doesnt have to be perfect, but this is a must. Love and Respect.

5. He needs to love and actually like my family and friends and being around them. I love my family and friends and they are of high importance in my life! My family is loud and we like to have fun and laugh together, my husband cant be afraid of this aspect of my life. He needs to be a part of my family, and I will be a part of his.

6. He needs to have a love for prayer. Prayer is huge in my life and I believe that when we pray that God does stuff. His prayer life needs to be strong and continuous and powerful. His faith will come out through his prayers. Prayer is high on the list of important things for him.

7. He needs to have goals and a well established career (although I dont know how the career part will play in if we are gonna be missionaries). But goals for his life are important! I dont want someone who just takes life day by day and doesnt even glance at the future. He needs to kow where he wants to go and be in the future and have mesurable goals. "Does he know where he wants to go and how he might get there? Is he a dreamer? My rule is: No goals=no wife! Ephesians 5 talks about wives respecting their husbands. It is a lot easier to respect a husband that is worthy of respect. Nothing makes it more difficult for a wife than a husband who is a deadbeat!"

8. He lays down his life for his wife. He does things that may be uncomfortable and he doesnt want to do but are good for him. Like my college pastor said, "Does he fast on a consistent basis? Does he participate in activities that push him? The answers to these questions are an indicator of whether or not he will lay his desires aside and put the best interest of his wife at the forefront."

9. There is consistancy and congruance in his words, thoughts and actions. He doesnt make promises he cant possibly keep. He doesnt make fun of marriage, sex or women and dosnt take his words lightly. He can have fun and joke, but when it comes to these things when were dating, thee is no excuse for that. These things are important. "Luke 6:43-44 tells us to judge people by their fruit, not their words or good intentions. Seeds of a good husband are found in a man who keeps his word, does what he says, and follows through on his promises. If a guy says he loves you, he should follow his declaration with laying down his life."

10. How he spends his money. He is generous and tithes on a regular basis. Doesnt trust in money to get him by but trusts in God. He doesnt spend all his money on himself, materialistic men are most often selfish and really probably dont make good husbands. He cant be stingy, but needs to be generous. Tithing is a must as well.

11. "How does he act when he loses? I don’t know any guy that likes to lose but how they lose is a huge indicator of humility. When he fails, does he take on the victim mentality, pout, or look for ways to improve? Anyone can be a husband and say “I’m the leader!” It takes humility to establish true leadership. Proverbs 18:12 says “First comes humility then comes honor.”" He cant be a sore loser, but he needs to lead no matter what.

12. He cant just care about the physical side of the relationship, even if that is important, emotional and spiritual sides are equally important. There needs to be a balance between the three. Communication is a must, he needs to be able to talk things through. Worship and prayer together is completely necessary and important. But the physical is also necessary for the whole aspect of being "one flesh"

13. He cares more about other people than of himself. He has a heart for people. He has a heart for the less fortunate. He has a heart for orphans like God has given me and we will live out James 1:27 in actions alongside each other. =) He cant be selfish but is selfless.

Thursday 13~ 5th Edition!

13 Things God Is Saying To Me.

1. You dont need a boyfriend in your life. You cannot date until you learn to be content and make me your everything. A boy will not fill the void of male attention that is in your heart, I fill it first then you can date when I say its okay. (ouch!)

2. You may not listen to secular music for now, I want your life to be consumed with worship. I asked how long, He said "as long as it takes."

3. I love you.

4. Your identity can only be found in Me, not in what others or even what you think about yourself.

5. Holiness is what you were created for, overcoming is my plan for you.

6. Forget the past and forge forward.

7. Nothing is impossible with Me.

8. Don't be afraid to speak up and be bold, voice your beliefs.

9. Be patient.

10. Be gentle.

11. Be humble.

12. Think about what to say before you speak, and dont let emotion take over.

13. Be open and willing to do whatever I ask of you.

Thursday 13~ 4th Edition!

My birthday is this saturday, I'm gonna be 18! OLD! ANCIENT! I need a cane!!! YIKES! Well here are 13 things I have learned in my 18 years....

13 Life Lessons

1. God is the only one who never leaves and never hurts you. When the rest of the world turns their back, God remains. He is faihful and His love endures forever.

2. It doesn't matter what people say or how they think of you because in the end you are who you are and to the core you arent going to change for anyone. Maybe externally, but youre made the way you are for a reason...you might as well accept it and love yourself for who you are.

3. Don't be ashamed of the gifts God has given you, and be willing and open to use them. Don't compare yourself to others and let jealousy get in your heart, jealousy can destroy relationships...I have witnessed it firsthand and gone through it. (the relationship was restored though, praise GOD!)

4. Family is important. They are the ones that will always be there. They may get on your nerves sometimes and you may want to escape it, but in the end they are always there. Sometimes they hurt you and do things that cause pain, but you have to forgive them and move on. You are kinda stuck with the one you get with, forever. Make the most of it. Love them.

5. Always be grateful for what you have. When I went to Mexico I realized how selfish I was. I saw people that had nothing, and yet they were so happy and joyful. And we are discontented, always wanting more. Be grateful for your blessings and the life you have. If may not be the best, but it is better than a lot of people's. Be content, happiness isnt in materialism.

6. Friends are important. You cannot do life alone, I have tried, and I failed miserably and was at the lowest point in my life when I isolated myself from godly friends and relationships. I didnt have accountability or anyone to press me on in my walk, so I lost my faith. When I really dedicated my life to Go, I began to develop relationships that were deep and intimate. I've never really had any "true" friends until now. I have 2 of the best friends I oculd ask for and I never take them for granted. We are sisters by heart connection, even though it isnt blood, it is strong and deep and God centered. I love my friends. I need them, and thank God for them.

7. Life is unpredictable. Things happen that you have absolutely no control over, and they come from out of the blue. No one expects tragedy or pain, but its inevitable at one point or another in life. Dont try to tell when, because its not possible. I never expected my dad would have an affair and leave my family, but it happened and we had to deal with it. No one expects disease or premature death. Life is unpredictable. You never know what you are going to get.

8. Perfectionism is boring. Why try to be something you are not? Why try to be perfect and obsessive about everything? Its not the way we were supposed to live. We all have quirks and we should embrace them. I am a self proclaimed nerd, and people think I'm weird a lot of times (which is true) but I say being a dork is crazy and FUN!!! I'm by no means perfect, my life is kind of a mess, but like my Aly sister says, "Its a holy and beautiful wreck. =)" I dont try to reach perfection because I know I cant attain it. I try to be better and let God work, but like spontinaity and craziness!

9. There is so much beauty in the world outside of our American bubble. We all think America is the greatest and some think others are inferior. But after 4 years of being in a church family of hispanics, let me tell you, they are some of the most beautiful people I know. They are incredible, and passionate, and fun, and sweet, and really care about you. Dont judge somebody based on the color of their skin. Thats not fair, you have to know a person before you have the right to make judgements. I love America, but hispanic culture takes up about half of my heart.

10. Love covers a multitude of sins. How many times have I sinned against God? Too many to ever count. I regret so much, but its in His love, every time, that I find forgiveness. He takes joy in forgiving us, it makes His day! He has washed my heart and is healing me, and all you have to do is ask Him and be willing. =) it doesnt matter what you do, He is faithful and just to forgive. And when you have been forgiven, how can you hold back from forgiving others? If His love is inside of you, forgiveness will flow out.

11. Childlikeness. Even Jesus said that "If you do not become like these little ones, you will never enter the Kingdom of Heaven." Kids trust easily, you dont have to tell them to trust. Kids dont fear, fear is taught to kids by individuals and the collective society and culture. Kids arent afraid to ask for things. Kids are full of wonder at the smallest, most simple things. People think I'm crazy, but I like to have fun and be like a kid sometimes. I grew up fast, and I like my random craziness! God is teaching my childlikeness and its hard, but important. I'm surrounded by kids all the time! I love watching them and seeing how innocent they are.

12. Life cannot be ruled by emotions. When you let your life be run by your emotions, it turns into a mess. Thre has to be a place for reason, for prayer and thought before decisions or acting on something, and asking advice from the people you trust. Not to say that emotins have no place, sometimes its best to follow your heart, but its not the way to live.

13. Leadership isnt necessarily always being on top, but it is taking the role of a servant and putting others before self in service to them and to God. I have learned leadership and life skills through my high school group at church, _tag, and have seen this idea in practice. Leadership is service, not shining the light on self and being prideful...leading is serving and becoming as low as you possibly can in order to elevate others.

~Well these are only a few of the major lessons I have learned, I have 18 years of them. Can you relate to any of these? It was hard picking only 13! But now that they are out there, I hope you too can learn something from them. =) ~

Thursday 13~ 3rd Edition!

My 13 Favorite Books (out of many more)

1. The Bible.

2. Run Baby Run by Nicky Cruz

3. Red Letters: Living A Faith That Bleeds by Tom Davis

4. Kissed The Girls And Made Them Cry by Lisa Bevere

5. Driven By Eternity by John Bevere

6. I Am Not But I Know I AM by Louie Giglio

7. The Pursuit of God by A.W. Tozer

8. Deep Unto Deep by Dana Candler

9. Authentic Beauty by Leslie Ludy

10. The God Chasers by Tommie Tennie

11. The Oath by Frank Peretti

12. Nurture by Lisa Bevere

13. The Barbarian Way by Ewan Rafael McManus